We Found Love at the Jersey Shore

     "I can't believe I dressed like this in front of these people," I think to myself. Jersey Shore themed doesn't leave much room for creativity, let alone the fact that I planned my outfit at the last minute. With my overly gelled hair sticking straight up high above my obnoxiously large sunglasses and emblemed shirt, I arrive at the party.
      Of course I'm accompanied by my brother Alex dressed as the "Pickle Queen", hot pink hair piled high, pickle staff in hand.
      "I'm nervous to go in!" I glance over at Alex.
      "Me too."
      Damn it. Usually I can count on him to act out at parties and let me tag along until his energy becomes contagious and gets me going. Looks like we'll be needing lots of liquor instead.
       As I let my social anxiety play in loops through my brain, I see what is obviously some extreme version of Snooki emerge from the house. She carefully makes her way over to Alex and I, careful to stay perched upon the ridiculous high heels on her feet.
       "My babies! You're here!" Our friend Yousef.
       He wraps us in a big hug one at a time, careful not to smear any of the spray tan that looks like they added a third, and even fourth coat to get the right shade of Jersey-trashy.
       "And there are some mighty fine boys here I may need you to use your magic on for momma," he winks to me as he untangles his black bump-it wig from the Pickle Queen's tiara.
        I smile slyly back, "Oh I definitely will!"

        He leads us through the front door of the house into a small living room filled wall to wall with people doing some intense dancing, not something you see at every house party. Definitely a good sign.
        The music is so loud I'm saved from getting stuck in conversations with the few people I know that I see along the way. My first goal is to find the tastiest/strongest alcohol in the place, then I'll talk.
        Thankfully they have a punch made in a dispenser, exactly what I like to see at parties. An unknown alcohol mix that is without a doubt going to get you feeling right!
        I walk over to the punch, squeezing my way between the crowds of people and start searching for a cup I can use. There's enough empty liquor bottles sitting around that you'd think everyone in the place would have alcohol poisoning at this point, yet no plastic solo cups anywhere to be seen. Probably all got jacked by the beer pong players.
        I look around on the counter for a used cup that I hope is the least likely to have any diseases on it when I spontaneously yell out to no one in particular, "WHERE ARE THE CUPS IN THIS PLACE!?" Obviously the Pickle Queen and Snooki have hyped me up a bit at this point.
        "Oh there are some right over here," I hear a voice from behind me say as a long, skinny arm reaches over my head and opens the cabinet in front of me, revealing actual unused cups.
         I scan the shelves and pick a clear one that has the least amount of smudges and turn around to fill it with ice at the fridge. At the same time the voice from before with the long, skinny arm (which turns out is attached to various other body parts that make up a very sex man) is turning back towards me.
         Everything freezes.
         Like in a movie, the music fades away and the loud chatter of people trying to talk over each other is gone. The room closes in tight, just small enough to fit the two of us.
         "Oh my god. Your eyes," The guy half whispers to me, an awed look on his gorgeous face, "they're beautiful."
         I stare back at him too shocked as to what to say for what seems like lifetimes, but really could only have been mere seconds. It's obvious he is somehow hypnotized by me, and so without thinking I reach up, wrap my hand around the back of his head, and pull him down so our mouths firmly meet.
         There is no hesitation on either end as our mouths begin to move in a completely synchronized sequence, as if we'd practiced on each other for years, an innate reaction built into our DNA.
         I pull back, look into his big goofy grin and see my own big smile reflecting in his eyes. "We should take a picture together!"
         "What? Now?" he asks me, sounding surprised and still a little out of breath.
         "Yes. Right now." I pass my phone to Alex, "Here take our picture together."
         I just know that something magical has just happened. I can't explain it, but I know having a picture to remember this would be a good idea.
         As the boy wraps his arm around my shoulder, Alex counts down to three and snaps the picture. I quickly grab my phone back to make sure everything looks good. Besides our ridiculous Jersey Shore garb, we look perfect.
         I turn back to the boy to show him the photo, pause, and ask, "Wait. What's your name?"

                             
                   Moral of the story: It only takes a bit of Snooki snatch, green eyes,
                   and a wave of the Pickle Queen's wand to change your life forever.

Embracing Nature

This is something I wrote over the summer while spending a week in the Colorado mountains. My love for nature was brought to life again and I spent an afternoon meditating in a meadow by myself and these are the things I felt and thought I would write down.

I really like embracing my inner hippy sometimes. ;)


If you sit silent and still long enough, nature will accept you back in and forgive you for your transgressions against the Earth. 

The rock beneath me reminding me where I came from.
The water rushing over pebbles in the stream matching the flow of the blood through my veins.
The soft breeze rattling the leaves in the trees purifies my spirit.

The trees sing their stories to me and fill me with their energy unselfishly.
The birds and butterflies accept me as a brother, unafraid to come close, or even to land upon me for a moment before continuing on with their life journey.

It all cradles and embraces me, knowing I'm there to do no harm, but only to revel in the awesomeness around me.

I let the air fill my lungs one last time, say my thanks, and make my way back to the world I'm forced to live in for now. 
I don't say goodbye because I know I'll be back again, either in this body or once I'm free to join nature, adding my energy and love back into the Earth for others to enjoy.

Circumstances change, but creating an environment of positivity can be a constant.

Researchers have found that 10% of our happiness comes from external forces, so are we focusing on the right things?

To be happy, we're told, we need to join every different social network there is and tote up our virtual friends and 'likes' on what we say and do. But there's something sadly artificial and forced about this kind of 'fun'. There's a superficial satisfaction maybe, but it's all too harried to provide real happiness. Often the greater contentment comes from simplification, from paring pleasures down to their most basic.

What researchers have found is that it's connection, mindfulness, gratitude, and play that brings us the most joy. Sure that new pair of shoes makes you feel good for a moment, but once you've debuted them for the first time, how long does that happiness stick?

We have to assess if we are working to live or living to work. Assess if all our 'stuff' is really bringing us all that much joy. Assess if we truly prefer experiencing the world, our life, and the people in it through tv/phone/computer screens instead of face to face, hands-on interaction.

I started making these assessments a few months ago and was surprised with what I found. So I decided to change it.

This decision to change came at a funny (read perfect) time in my life as I am currently unemployed and so therefore free to explore myself in my own time. It's also funny timing because I've been noticing a shift in the way of thinking of my friends around me. A couple of my friends randomly started talking to me about how they have been feeling the same way about a few things and so are taking some actions to change as well by not using social media apps on their phones for a month.

You may think I'm crazy or weird, but that's okay because I'm probably a little of both, but I think there is a huge change that is going to occur in the near future. I either want to be part of that change, or at least prepared for it, and so below is my personal challenges for the month of September.

I invite you to join in where possible and see what kind of changes you notice in your own life and happiness.

• Start every morning with yoga and meditation/prayer. - "Spend some time alone to reconnect with your life's direction." I'm currently making a lot of big decisions about my life and honestly I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing via my God, guides, and the universe. As well as yoga providing me with a nice form of exercise and activity to get my body feeling even better.
• Only use my phone for calls and texting, and only in limited amounts. - Honestly my goal here is to free myself from the notion that I NEED a smart-phone. Because I don't. Which means, yep, no Instagram. So don't be offended if I'm taking longer than normal to respond. For a quicker response, come knock on my door and hang out for a while.
• Only spend 30 minutes to an hour online each day. - This one seems silly to me, but I know I'll miss it, plus that's where most everyone else will still be and so I have to visit to keep up...for now.
• Spend more time outside. - Nature is amazing, and I think we have forgotten that. The heat can be a deterrent, but it's cooling down now, or it's always nice early morning/late evening. Garden, read, walk, bike, eat, sing, etc...just do it outside.
• Learn a new skill, or improve on ones I have. - "Learn to be self-sufficient in order to feel empowered." Lately I've been trying to figure out the whole gardening thing so as to produce some of my own food. I was lent a book called "Farm City" that talks about urban farming that I'm getting a lot of great ideas from, but I'm far from having the whole thing perfected. Eventually I want to be able to make most of my own items, everything from food to soaps to my lip balm.

And lastly...

• No alcohol, drugs, soda, fast-food, or meat. - Probably my hardest one honestly, but I want a clear mind and body during this process. Plus I'm sure I'll feel amazing, and maybe even look more amazing along with it. ;) 

So there it is, my September challenge. I may, and probably will, fall short on some of this, but I'm definitely going to give it my best shot.

Like I said, join me if you can, or at the very least help keep me accountable. Make it easier for me to leave the world of social-media behind. And if you think I'm looking a little happier, healthier, and bright, now you'll know why. 

The Girl I Corrupted

Walking in to the gymnasium I of course still didn't know hardly anyone on campus, but I was determined to get past my shyness and get out there and make more friends.

I strolled along the different booths as people tried selling me on why I should join their club, promising fun activities or food. The food almost got me, but then I saw a girl a few booths down that was just glowing with some sort of positive light. Really it was one of those times again where I just knew she was going to be my friend.

"Can you sing?" she asked me as I got within hearing distance, a huge smile spread across her face.

"Umm...some people tell me I can," I responded with a shy grin.

"Well you should come with us on Tuesday nights and sing to old people at the nursing home!"

And that's how it all began.

I decided to go along with her and sing, only once if I remember correctly, and then we were pretty much inseparable afterwards.

This girl was so silly and funny, I couldn't get enough of her. We'd giggle and make jokes everywhere we went. I felt comfortable telling her almost anything about myself, even admitting my "straight crush" on Jake Gyllenhaal.

My other best friend, The Boy With The Shoes, was immediately attached to her as well, and the three of us spent the next few years of college growing and exploring who we were together, using each other as backups to bounce off a new idea of what we might want our personality to be.

She took me and The Boy With The Shoes on the most amazing date I've ever had up to this point in my life by making us a citywide scavenger hunt, complete with a booklet of pictures, memories, inside jokes, and a soundtrack to accompany it all.

As we got older we get a little more naughty as I of course eventually came out to her and we reached our 21st birthdays and the drinking began. I was her first kiss, though not sure how well that was considering I was pretty drunk. But then again she didn't really have anything to base it off of, so I bet it was amazing. ;)

I gave her lessons on how to...please a man. From what I hear I was a good teacher, so you're welcome for that.

But of course in the midst of all our giggling and bad behavior she was one of my rocks in the most tumultuous time of my life. She would sit with me while I cried, confused on how to combine my faith with my sexuality, unable to understand how I could be both the Christian I wanted and the homosexual I was. She would encourage me and pray with me, hold my hand and share her own struggles. It's those times she carved a place into my heart and soul.

However, as life has a way of doing, we ended up growing apart both geographically and friendship wise. I always imagined she would be that friend for me that I would love her kids like my own, shower them with gifts, etc. But distance has a way of making things harder and I didn't do much on my end to maintain things the way they were.

So this is my tribute to you, The Girl I Corrupted, for you really are a special person to me in my life and played a part in shaping me into who I am today. Thank you for your love and friendship and silly times with me. I'm thankful for your flexibility when your drunk, the way you'd spin my cat in circles, for coloring in the noses on the animals in the coloring books so they could breathe, and that you really didn't let me corrupt you completely. :)

From the day I met you I could see your beautiful spirit, and now it's even more apparent with the mother and wife that you've become. I hope you let your sons see that in you and teach them how to be just as amazing.

Caught in the Web

There was a time I remember, before you, when life was much more simple and happy. Back when everyone would spend their free time outdoors, or actually sitting face to face with each other. When facial expressions could be seen instead of having to be deciphered through punctuation marks.

You started out innocent enough, connecting me to people all around the world through email, and then the chat rooms. The chat rooms where my insecure, middle school self could be anyone that I wanted. The chat rooms that eventually became the only place I felt safe enough to be honest about who I actually was, too afraid to let people in my real life know me. A place where I felt accepted and wanted. You cradled me through, year after year, secretly wrapping your chains  around me at the same time.

Then came Xanga where I could share my every day life with the world, or at least my ten friends that read it. I let my emotions pour out so freely onto the screen, feeling a comfort I thought only you could offer me. You accepted me while silently smiling as the distance grew between me and actual human interaction. Everything was played out though pushes of a button rather than an actual conversation, or a needed hug.

Time passed and along came Myspace where I could express myself with pictures, music, and my Top 8. If I had a friend who wasn't commenting as much as I'd like, I could easily move them on down the list and let everyone know who my REAL friends were. It became a daily chore to make sure my page was up to date, fresh, keeping people interested in me. Favorite movies, books, quotes...look at how interesting I am!!

By this point you had me and most of my friends. For those you didn't, you had one more trick up your sleeve: Facebook. No Facebook = No Life! How could we know what our friends are up to? Look at all that fun they are having in that photo album! Wish I was there, but I really need to make sure I like all the status updates my crush makes so his relationship status doesn't change without me!

Of course from there was Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Pinterest...*sigh*

By the end of the day I'm just exhausted keeping up with it all. I just want to walk over to my friend's house and actually see their new hair, shoes, nails, pet, baby, etc. Instead I'll follow the link from Twitter to their Instagram so I can like their amazing photography skills, and maybe even leave a comment on their Facebook if it's really good.

Oh Internet, how you've beaten us all. We no longer even have to think, just Google it. We don't have to be in front of a computer because we can just carry you around in our pockets, always "connected" to each other without ever having to be connected.

I want to forget all about you, but I don't even know how to survive without you.

So instead I'll finish up this blog post, link it to my Twitter and Facebook, and wait for my phone to notify me when people like it or comment on it, giving me those wonderful feelings of affirmation and acceptance. That way I know that people can still care in some way, that we can all relate to each other...as long as it's not IRL.

The Hungover Games

The day of the "Reaping" had arrived. I received my Facebook notification  and excitedly hurried over to see what other names had been drawn from the friends list, the names of the other tributes I'd be battling alongside in the Hungover Games. Some I recognized as career tributes, having witnessed their drinking skills at other events, while others I knew I could outlast till the end.

The day came and all 24 tributes from different OKC districts loaded into the train of cars that would take us to the Capitol, or Wagoner, where our battleground awaited. On the way we were fed foods that were normally denied us, due to their fattening nature, to help build up our strength for the weekend.

We finally made it to our living quarters, and all tributes were split up into different areas where we could rest and recover when needed. I chose a spot where I could keep an eye on my competition, while others like my ally Yousee chose a cave-like room to hide out in so as not to be disturbed.

The games began almost immediately as we were brought together at the cornucopia filled with all of our weapons for the games, liquor and mixers. One of the career tributes began passing out shot after shot, trying to weaken us all. It wasn't long before the battle was in full swing.

Some went down almost immediately, literally, as the spiral staircase proved a great challenge for those under the influence. Others battled it out with hula hoops, displaying their skills to the other tributes. But the main battle began when we were all pushed down to the main arena: the hot tub. The tub was a hot bubbling cesspool filled with near naked bodies and lord knows what else by the end of the Hungover Games.

I saw many of the other tributes begin to lose their grasp on reality, and came close to joining them. A lot of others begin to trickle off looking for a safe spot for rest. I knew my best chance at survival would be to return to the cornucopia in hopes of finding food and water, while trying to avoid the persistent offer of more shots.

Eventually we were all trying to get a few hours of sleep as the sun came up, but with the morning light came a resurgence of tributes ready to battle again, and so our sleep was short lived. I watched on in awe as the career tributes showed no signs of slowing down.

For me I felt like I had the poison of a hundred tracker-jackers inside me and so found a nice place to withdraw and wait it out. During this time I could hear the yells of some of the career tributes with beautiful eyes battling it out in the hot tub below for hours upon hours.

Later that night the gamemakers saw that Lohan was bringing down the excitement of the Games and so pushed all the tributes together for one final battle in the hot tub. I knew this was my chance to come out the winner and so avoided the traps of more shots being passed around, instead taking a back seat to wait and watch as the other tributes took each other out. The boy from District 4 began to lose his mind and believe he was someone else named Trish, while District 9's tribute "exploded" over the side of the tub.

One by one they went down. Down to bed, down the stairs, down on each other...and I knew that I had won, along with a few other tributes.

The next and final day brought us all back to the cornucopia where we all feasted together one last time before returning to our districts. There were no prizes for the Hungover Games besides battle scars and bruises (and possibly diseases, yet to be seen), but we all left there with some wonderfully priceless memories.

That Time When We...

As we get older we start to see and feel the world around us take its toll on our bodies and perception. Whether it be the gradual sagging of different body parts, or the seemingly endless exhaustion, it's all a part of getting older.

But what I don't accept is the bitterness that can start to settle in our hearts and minds. We begin to see our world as a place we have to guard and defend ourselves from rather than a place to be a part of and enjoy.

Back before that first major heartbreak, before the friend let us down, before a parent made you feel "not enough," there was a spark of life there. We could see the world through pure eyes and be excited about it. There was magic to be found and adventures to be had! That random hole you came upon in the woods most definitely lead to Wonderland, if only you could fit...

So where did that all go? I know it still has to be there because I've witnessed it in myself and in you! Like that one time when we...

So go out today, tomorrow, next week, month, year, and try and remember how you saw things before. Feel the world around you the way you should feel it. All the negativity and darkness is there too, don't think I'm naive. But, I'm confident you can look past all that, if only for a minute, and just let love consume you completely. Feel safe in that minute, and let others feel safe around you.

And if you ever think you need more than that minute, I'm always down for some fort making and imagination time.